YTuesday, December 27, 2005
SO..the shadows of the past will besiege the looker and the attempted wiser on the beauty of the lessons of the past. but yet the beauty was not the lessons but the regret that the wiser has suffered and the fear that will constantly amputate him.
why does such oxymorons exists? "the beautiful death", "sinless sin"..
these are the clear contradictions of life itself. the words that has been conjoined to contradict the other to make an impact of sorts.
so..what's that for again?heh.
the hurt and the remnants of the past will never be able to make this world a better place for the wiser. For the wiser is even more careful and more cautious than he had ever been before.
being too keen to run away from the past just to know that its not gona stop daunting him.
so he continues hiding and putting up a facade in solace of his children. hoping and wishing that his traits wun be passed down to them, only to find out that it is already in them.
he continuously, tell them wat he dun like..[when those are the things that he's AFRAID of]
they try hard to understand and reap him of his wishes. only to know that it is NOT the kind of life that they want to lead. the paranoia and the eccentricty of himself affects the capabilities of his child and despite the realisation, he still continues to carry on his method of parenting.
to his despair, one of his child chose to stray..far..far..away from him.
knowing that she can prove to him that his past will remain a past in his past life.
knowing that it wun get to anyone of his children..trying to tell him that its different now.
it's better now dad- trust me.
so she suffered in silence but still determined to prove to him her capabilities and her beliefs.
he chose to completely neglect her..completely make her invisible to his eyes.
and in hope to hurt her and make her come back to him..only to find out that its not gona happen..so the wiser kept tellin his other kids NOT to be like her..for they'd suffer..
but look at the black sheep now..isnt she soaring..isnt she trying?
isnt she NOT like you? isnt she NOT a hypocrite like you? isnt she unlike you?
u are her imperious motivator and she's where she is now..
the ONE child whom u keep bragging about..
the ONE child whom u wun stop telling people about..
the ONE child whom u still choose to disdain.
the looker just keeps looking..not doin anything..despite sensing the hurt
and the wiser choose to still be right and will never mend his ways.
and the black sheep keep suffering his "hitler" treatment in silence.
and the only strength that she could hold on to is her faith.
her faith in Allah and His presence each time she 'bows in worship' to Him.
telling herself constantly that there are always others doing worst..
that He will always guide her through the waves and take her up to where she belongs..
the hurt, the torture and the torments caused by the wiser and the looker will never change the fact that he's her dad and she's her mum..
Mum..Dad..i want you to know that i love you..
and nothing can ever change that and i'll still be there when u frail and i'll still be there when u are alone in the deathbed..and i'll still be there for you even after that.
this is my promise to the both of you.
thanks for bringing me into this cruel yet beautiful world.
thanks for trying to do wat's best for me-but i noe wat's best for myself.
thanks for making me your child when u have a choice not too..
and thanks for giving me my One and Only sister too share my everything with..
i thank the Lord for the strength he's given me..and the patience he's granted me.
May God bless you all..
_callous_ was here with you at
YMonday, December 26, 2005
stop all this mental torture please. i beg of you. just once is enuf.seriously. i get it now!
why can't u just let me be? let me be me..and i'll show u wat u wana see..i promise you.
stop hurting me please..u r my fuckin parents!!! fuck all tis shyt. ur haunting me.
my brain cells are dying..corrupted by u and ur vitriolic criticism. im hurt enough by being born into this world with people like u to get used to.
im just a girl..whose constantly curious and unaware. i like to take the chance to experience new things..just like every other human being in this world. is there anything wrong with that mum?????? what is wrong with being with my sister?! what is wrong with having friends who make me smile when u cant do that?!?! tel me wats wrong with all that and i'll try my best to compromise. u are vindictive and maimed by ur other half that u dun take the time to understand me. he made u shout at me so that he'd be in my "good book".
goodness dad ur just in a state of denial. afraid of the shadows of ur past.
what did u do last tym huh? why are u so afraid of me straying?? tell me..
fill in the blanks cuz i wana noe.NO.i already noe.and im ASHAMED of u. im disappointed in you and it will never disappear.dun weri, it wun go away.
and please dun worry-i wun wana be like you. i'll try my best not to end up like you or mum. and dun worry i wun hate you. i wasnt thought to hate. but i AM very much prone to hurt.
keep hurting me. keep asking me what is gona become of me. keep doin that. and i'l prove it to u. i SWEAR i'l prove it to u. i'll show u how much i dun need u. even if it kills me to get to that level. i'll prove it to you. this is my promise to you.
mum..i cant believe u could do this to me..hurt me like u duno me. with the werds u say..
"u've always bring me down.and i duno wat to do wit u"..-ALWAYS mum?? really?
have i not make u happy? the love that i showed and the empathy isnt enough?
the money isnt enough? the sacrifice isnt enuf?
wat is enuf then to make u happy?? tell me..please.
please dad..stop torturing me mentally..i cant help cryin every nite over tis. over you.
i cant cry no more..cuz my tears just wun roll to my cheeks..cuz its dried out by you.
please dad..just tell me what u want. dun neglect me.
perhaps, u've disowned me.wth
y am i begging for all this??!! when they dun even care about how i'd feel with every statement they made. im bruised badly.feeling more hollow, troglodytic and uncherished.
just remeber please, that NOT everything is about the dollars and cents..its not all about the shyts that u've given me. i thank you fer that anyhows.
i noe i've been through tis tons of tymes..but none of it wit mum involved.
goodness..is it really wrong to spend time with my sister? MY SISTER!!!
GOD.help me please..im lost and confused. and im stewed over by all this.
tell me to be patient-i've kept my silence and didnt retaliate.
tell me to hang in there-i've been goin through too much of this.
i cant take tis.i quit trying to be your "dream", your "only hope".
MUM.DAD.I OFFICIALLY QUIT. sorry to disappoint u further.
guess that's nothing new huh?
well..this hurt and torments that u've caused aint new either.
may God bless you.
_callous_ was here with you at
YSaturday, December 24, 2005
i cant imagine how bleak being in this house, this room, this place can be.
but then again, alike life.. it is a contradiction. this world can be a better place.
[as said by, Corina]
i can be hurt by all the devastations in life and bleed by all the disapointments and heartaches..
but there are still others out there who hurt deeper without wanting to be hurt..
like you..whose "racing the race" and yet, with the greatness of optimism and belief that u have..u amaze me.
u make me think of the point in not appreciating life.
this world can be too cruel..BUT living in it in a different spectrum, different light..
can actually make u love living in tis cruel place.
even people like Cher in "Clueless" are not fully contented with all the money, the body, the wardrobe, and all the attention that she get in school. she is still also lonely and discontented..so..i am not alone.
but then again, it's a movie that im relating to.wth.
the chappy and winding road that we are all on are gona end one fine day..
it may or may not be soon..but who the hell cares yet again?
your fate may be stated and ur battles with life may be daunting you..
but u have the people who care fer u [whether or not u are aware]..
n someone who loves you..
there's nothing spooky either in being the lurker or in preferring the night..the shyts during the day are just too visible for the naked eye.
this ostentious road is one that is very unpredictable and difficile..
and i decide to hop on and take the challenge.
people may bring me down and so will there be the presence of other vicissitudes..
but im gona hold on to it..telling myself- "there are others doing worst and their strong"
to corina- you are strong..and your beauty surrounds u..
_callous_ was here with you at
YFriday, December 23, 2005
I HATE YOU
till when do i have to suffer living under the same roof with you?!!!!
_callous_ was here with you at
YThursday, December 22, 2005
BLACK is the colour of negativity,
yet it is the color that potrays sophistication
PINK; health and happiness
and yet, it is the one colour that a majority fail to appreciate
The paradox of such nature of thoughts
are the kind of mainstream views that we often make
How can something so beautiful and pure in appearance
be generalised to be something hideous with just one imperfection?
How can living be something so painful
to the one whose hurting all their life,
and
be such a breeze for someone whose found their reason to survive?
What could possibly be the reason for such detrimental paranoia in life?
WHAT IF equality really exists?
would it even be fair?
WHAT IF all of us were to be given happiness?
Would all of us still be happy eternally?
whatever we have never seem to be sufficient..
cuz the paradox of life..is living itself.
_callous_ was here with you at
YMonday, December 19, 2005
one setback after the next..i've been constantly challenged by HIM, and at the point where i should b in major meltdown - i just sat in remorse.
Feeling much more lost than i had ever been.
Today, i lost my pinkrazr (which is less than a month's old) and the greatest friend that i've ever had- Erwin.
as i stepped foot into the living room..there was two things that i had in mind..
to lock myself in the room and hurt myself deeper or to go wash up and pray.
i did the latter as i realised that wat is done cant be undone.
so i hope and pray for HIS guidance..to be loved and led by HIM..
Could this just be another form of remonstrance from HIM?
however true, i believe i deserve this..for all the sins that i've committed and the people i've dissapointed..i thank God that HE only made me lose my fon..nothing else.
I am grateful enough of the gifts he's bestowed upon me so far..
as of now, every setback, every failure and every loss is a lesson learnt..
- to make me a better person..
HE's given me so many chances and still, I turned my back against HIM.
I let HIM slip by even when i know i can only seek help from HIM ..
I know now..the beauty he could give for someone
who always think of HIM and serve HIM as a loyal, sincere and faithful servant to Islam.
-blessed
_callous_ was here with you at
YSunday, December 18, 2005
could tis be the end of a friendship that i thought would actually b everlasting..?
perhaps..im just hopin fer the impossible.(im good at doing that).
i thought that wen ur in somethg togthr u shud be in it all the way..i thought that's how it should've been?? wat am i thinking????
it seems like my world is crashing down on me..almost everything turn their back against me.
im lost.
things at werk was really a disaster.
being blamed fer sth that is so uncertain and yet, they overlooked the dedication that had been given to the job. the load of hardwork and commitment fer that little sum of money that they pay us.
im consumed with dissapointment and angst. im also dissapointed wit the fren i never had and im angry at myself for having to be so dumb, vulnerable and..unwanted.
i hate tis. i duno wat to feel.
today's my last day at CBTL..so, im officially jobless, alone, and lost. and all of this sum up to the word- LIFELESS.
bleah. i witnessed way too many letdowns today.
mebe ellyas' gona leave too..n my sis wil be happy wit her new-found fren..n me?
God knows.
i need someone special to share tis with..i need to have the comfort of someone tellin me that it'll be fine, someone who will hold me up just wit his comforting voice and understanding.
but no one is doing it..cuz i've apparently got no one.
like a jigsaw..im all mixed up waiting to be fixed.all im seeing is bits of myself.
assemble me..and help me reveal me.
God..send me someone who will make me whole again..
U gave me a great fren to cheer me up and wake up to the beauty of living.
and i thank u for that..but plz..dun let me be alone for i'd be depressed.
im not sure of myself.
my heart and my mind is spinning into different directions that i collapse.
i dun wana shed another tear cuz mama cried last nyte.i dun wana c her cry..and i dun wan her to c me likewise..
mama's sleepin beside me now..accompanying me..i love her.
and in this moment in time. i think loving her and my sis is all tat matters now.
-im shytlessly lonely
_callous_ was here with you at
YTuesday, December 13, 2005
Watched SAWII wit some fren of mine at cathay and chilled and then shopped @ ZARA..
[just thot i'd call him tis way to get back at him..sucker!]
Anyhows, i learnt from the movie that we should treasure our life and live as if it is our last.
Despite the Gory-ness..the message that the movie brought across was meaningful to me.. Cuz i believe that some people just dun treasure every moment and every inch of life that has been given to them. SOME people like me who always wanted to take the easy way out.
Thankfully, He brought me close to "some fren of mine" who somehow brightened my once dull life wit his simplicity, genuine sincerity and belief in Him.
I now know the meaning of life and how much i'd be missing if i were to really let it happen to me..if i were to really O/D myself and cut myself deep and bang my head real hard on the corners of the wall..
"some fren of mine" was somehow there each time..to bring me back to my senses..to remind me that i am not alone..that i have someone to rely on..i gez he's unaware of how greatful i am to have him around to bite and tease and also be comfortable and secured with.
[now u noe]
the last thing i want is to LOSE someone like him..someone who had finally woke me up from my nightmare and brought me back to wer i belong..
and the amazing beauty of it all is him not realising what he has done..
[i bet u'd be shocked upon reading tis]
i'm not sure if he's gona read tis tho..but even if he does i tink he wun tell..
ER i want you to noe that u've enlightened me with all the beauty in living and i thank you for putting up wit my shytz so far..
I also want u to know that you are special although u suck in speaking French and in "generalising" things..hehe.Remember that.
~tis is my tribute to you~
[HAha..i duno y the f*** im gettin all e-mo but heck..tis is wat i wana tell everyone]
_callous_ was here with you at
YSaturday, December 10, 2005
_TAKE ME AWAY_
let ur open arms surround me..
-im lonely
_callous_ was here with you at
YSunday, December 04, 2005
Feelings are just too complicated for me to understand. Its existence is just causing me too much CoNFUSION.
why can't it just be so direct..?
if only everything is just mutual..
maybe i should just ignore watever there is..it'll cause more complication..
why would i wana jeopardise something so real?
_callous_ was here with you at